First full day with Charlotte gone

I woke up with my heart beating fast thinking I had to get up and check on CJ, how's her breathing, is she still here, did she get her morning meds, where is her...oh yeah...

I don't feel nearly as sad this morning as I did yesterday. Strange but even with all the preparation and seeing it coming from a mile away, Charlotte's death hit me much harder than I thought it would. I sat on the bench in the back yard (where I sat to smoke a cigar, yeah, I actually went and got a good one that day, when I came home after CJ was born) and cried as hard as I've ever cried in my life. I felt a little better afterward; at least composed enough to call people and let them know.

Rachel and I talked it over and she reminded me how seriously sleep deprived we both are and have been for months. That definitely has had an impact. Good wife. So we got some good sleep and in the same bed for the first time in a long time.

The snow last night had a very healing effect as well and the messages you all have been posting haven't hurt. We feel the "Love Network" closing around us, supporting us.

Plans are progressing nicely for the service. We haven't had to do much. One of us just says, "this need to be done" or "let's do it this way" and it gets done. Can't express our appreciation enough for those hashing out the details.

We will be heading out to our retreat on Sunday for a couple days. It's REALLY rural so I don't think we'll be in contact with anyone much. There is a landline and we will probably check in for messages but don't expect prompt responses.

Last but not least, we found the perfect urn for Charlotte's ashes. It's sort of a bio-degradable thing that can be used to plant a tree. I can't think of a better way to remember her. Just have to find the best possible plant/tree to foster butterfly activity and a space. Rachel tells me there's an actual butterfly bush. No need to offer suggestions, Gramps is a master gardener and will know exactly what to do.

For those asking about the Monument Ave 10K: If you're going to fundraise for CJSTUF, please don't register until I give you the super secret code. We have reserved spaces for TEAM CJ and I don't want you to pay for the race unless you really want to. The pledge form is in the Special Events section of the website. Just print it off and have at it. The training teams are all you. There are several, YMCA, Sportsbackers, The Beermosa Allstars (THERE I DID IT!!!)

Thanks so much for everything. (The thanking will continue whether you like it or not.)