Sacred Places and Bourbon

We all have our sacred places.

In what has become something of a weekly ritual, I am sitting at TaZa Coffee Shop in Westover Hills after my church choir gig doing my best job of NOT working on what I was originally supposed to be doing and basking in the glow of serendipity. I feel very comfortable here and when I want to be alone and/or do some work (or write a blog post), this a good place.

I've often quoted (and mis-quoted) the line from Kung Fu when Caine says, "when a man finds his way, Heaven is gentle." (Here's the video. The quote is very near the end at 9:47 but the entire episode, even though it's edited, is a good watch) That's kind of been working on many levels for me lately. Along with all the darkness this month brings us, there has also been plenty of light and doorways leading me, seemingly, to where I'm supposed to go.

For example, as I settled in to my coffee and bagel here at TaZa, I noticed some people messing with the art on the walls and after the initial "STOP THIEF!" impulse passed, I realized they were the actual artists. Wasting no time, I obnoxiously jumped up to talk to them and see if we could get some pieces for the Art Auction on Sept. 30. They didn't bat an eyelash and they all agreed to figure out something to donate!

But what about the heading of this blog post? The concept of "Sacred Places" has been haunting me in both bright and dark ways recently. I love historic sites and being in the same place Patrick Henry spoke or performing in the same place someone like Jon Hendricks or Tony Bennett have performed really gets me "geeking." Same thing for places where I feel a connection because of Charlotte.

So it really should be no surprise that there are places that are important to me on a spiritual level and I feel pulled to them for one reason or another. One of the oldest places I feel that pull is my Grandma's (Gramsies) old house in Denver. I remember spending a huge amount of time running around that couple acres or so of land. I often thought to myself how happy I was just being there.

It was inconceivable to me that I would ever see the time when I wouldn't be able to go back. So when she sold it to the neighboring college and they knocked down the houses, my concept of reality was shaken to the core. I remember going back for the first time afterward and being very disturbed by what I saw.

We all have our sacred places.

Another is the short stretch of Lee Davis Rd in Mechanicsville which runs in front of the house where Charlotte used to go to Hanover Montessori School. She really started to shine there and it's that crowd of her friends and their families that became a cornerstone of our support "Network" after she was diagnosed. I often drive that stretch of road on my way way home from Romp n' Roll. It helps me feel the connection to her.

It's actually very difficult for me to drive that little bit of road but I've always thought it was ridiculous to avoid places or take unnecessary detours because of memories so my rebellious side sticks my tongue out and goes that route anyway.

Of course, aren't I altering my path because of memories already? Silly boy.

Speaking of Romp n' Roll...One of the places I feel closest to Charlotte is where the Virginia Center Marketplace store was located. For me, her spirit permeates the entire area from Target ("There's ALWAYS something to buy at Target!") to Chick-fil-a and everywhere in between. The old Romp n' Roll location, which is now an Original Mattress Store, still has her energy imprinted there. She was our official greeter and many times, the first person some of our oldest customers met was Charlotte. I pop my head in there sometimes just to be there. I think I'm starting to freak out the employees a little.

So a mattress store is now one of my sacred places. Go figure.

Then there's COSTCO. Another oft quoted conversation is: Me: "Charlotte, what do we get at COSTCO?"

Charlotte: "Pizza and ice cream!"

Yep, it was one of "our places." Charlotte and I would shop there and sometimes she would push the cart from way down below. I can still vividly see that tiny little kid trying to push when the cart was full of stuff. We would usually get pizza or ice cream while we were there (sometimes both; sometimes a hot dog) and I always remember being so worried about her falling off the bench. It was my little bit of obsessive parenting.

I took her there several times after we had started the journey and she was always the absolute best kid at those times. I had more than one person make comments to me about how obvious it was that there was a strong bond between us. I live for those memories.

COSTCO definitely has "sacred place" status.

I go there these days as much to "commune" with Charlotte as to shop for stuff. Yesterday, the concept of that really hit me as Rachel and I were there together. It was really crowded and it seemed most of the people there had become partially unhinged for some reason. I might have felt very angry that people were acting as stupidly as they were but for the fact that I was thinking about Charlotte a lot which makes most situations better.

We did NOT get pizza or ice cream this time but that's ok. It still served its "sacred place" purpose.

Then, a little later, a chance encounter with a fellow Cubs fan at Martin's finished the job of renewing my piece of mind. At least for a little while. Martin's is not a sacred place but that old man who noticed my Cubs hat made it move a little higher on the list.

Last but not least, as I was singing at my choir job today, Pastor Donna's message was about "Sacred Places." I kid you not. My highest compliment to any priest, pastor, guru, therapist, imam, qoph, monk, or any other person who claims religious leadership is that they make me think. Ed did that at St. James The Less as did Kent at Trinity in Fredericksburg. So did that Buddhist monk on the airplane so many years ago. Donna sure did that to me this morning.

Those doors keep opening. I'm probably rationalizing on a massive level but I'm going to keep going with it.

Now for the "Bourbon" part:

Let me go back a few weeks to a link sent to me by one of our many amazing supporters (my brother, Vance, in fact) which announced a giveaway by bourbon maker, Buffalo Trace. They had produced 174 bottles of top-shelf straight Kentucky bourbon from what they called the "Millennium Barrel" and were allowing non-profit organizations the opportunity receive one bottle each for fundraising purposes. These gift boxes will probably be valued at over a hundred dollars if not many hundreds of dollars.

I was a little leery at first about using something alcoholic to fund raise for a children's based organization but given the unique nature of the bottle, I got over it pretty quickly, especially after tasting it at our board night out at Lemaire. (PS There are still two Mondays in July remaining to benefit CJSTUF if you need a great excuse for a fabulous meal.)

I went ahead an submitted our application with the thought that we might receive it in time for our Art Auction. It's not "art," per se, but it's a very high-quality item and our event will be a good venue for a special item like this; very adult (which is another reason we don't have a problem with it).

After a few days, I received an email from Buffalo Trace letting me know they were reviewing our application but in the meantime, I might be interested in another opportunity being offered by another brand under their umbrella, Eagle Rare. They also make and sell high quality bourbon but this time, the idea was to have people submit stories of friends, family, etc...who live "Rare Lives." The grand prize winners will win $20,000 to be donated to the non-profit of their choice and several runners up will have $2,000 donated. The qualities they listed as those exhibited by deserving nominees are courage, leadership, survival, devotion, character, and heroism.

So I nominated Rachel. I mean, duh!

The thing is, I'm not known for being the most thorough reader of things the first time through so I didn't catch the part about how winners will be decided by people voting at the Eagle Rare website. I thought there would be a panel of judges or something or I might not have done it. We had sort of sworn off voting contests after the Kindermusic Grant fiasco (Pepsi is sending me regular emails inviting me back to the new-and-improved Pepsi Refresh contest but I've been resisting) and even now, I'm a little gun shy about promoting the contest.

That was until I checked back on the Eagle Rare Life page a few days later and saw that Rachel had already received over 100 votes with very little promotion.

That convinced me that it was a good idea to continue. If Rachel (and in turn, CJSTUF) should win the $20,000, then CJ's Meal Fairies can really get off the ground, and even if she finishes as low as 7th, $2,000 is four (4) families helped.

As of 1:30 Sunday, we were already at 400 votes. Voting lasts until January 5, 2012 and people can vote once every day.

So in closing, I return to Kung Fu. Not with video of the deep quote of the day but of probably the worst sword fight ever choreographed for film. Enjoy! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PktNLnPEApw

July 9, 2011

The roller coaster has been in high gear this week.

Can it really be Charlotte’s 6^th Birthday? Can it really be a year and a half since she flew away? Yesterday, I was talking with one of our friends about it and she asked “Doesn’t it just seem…so…” and couldn’t finish the question because it’s such an unfathomable thing to contemplate.

I still see her everywhere and think about her all the time. One weird thing is that I haven’t dreamed about her much lately. In fact, the last dream I had about Charlotte was where I was a Dr. looking through several charts and I realized one was hers. I never actually saw her but she was there somewhere.

A common fear that grieving parents have is that they will forget how their child smelled or what they looked like. I have all that but my biggest fear is not remembering her voice and laugh. For a while now, I could feel that slipping away from me and it was adding to the stress and down side of what has become a pretty violent roller coasted ride. Fortunately, not long ago, and for no reason that I can comprehend, it all came flooding back to me. Her laugh, her crying, that sweet little voice telling me about a book or movie…clear as a bell in my head. We have a good amount of recordings of her so her voice will always be around but I like remembering her actually saying these things.

I’ll be heading down to Ashland Coffee and Tea a little later to have what I had hoped would always be our traditional birthday chocolate shake. Susan Greenbaum is performing tonight. I hope you do something like that today to help you remember my amazing little baby girl. Rachel posted 6 things you can do if you need inspiration. I especially like the “Read A Book” idea.

Another wonderful event today is the celebration of my brother and sister-in-law, Vance and Lynne’s zillionth wedding anniversary (it’s actually on the 4^th). They are having a big blowout in Denver and we wish them the absolute best. I guess there will be about 100 people there including their two totally awesome kids, Joefish and C-Weed! Congrats Bro!

By the way, did we mention that my brother-in law, Mark, is going to have a kidney transplant in August and Vance is his donor?!? I have such an awesome family!

We have become day sponsors on Public Radio WCVE 88.9fm for today and have told them to plan on us continuing to do so on an annual basis. It comes with several announcements throughout the day so if you listen, either on-air or via the internet, you might hear it. I just did.

The bus is heavy on us today but we know we are loved and supported. Thank you all.

Happy Birthday, Monkey Butt. We love you and miss you very much

Six Ways to Honor Charlotte

Hello friends! First of all, for those of us who follow this blog, we apologize for the relative lack of updates. We continue to update our Facebook page and if you have not yet subscribed to our monthly newsletter, I encourage you to sign up. It's probably the best way to stay "in the loop". 

Now that the business stuff is out of the way, let's talk about the calendar. Tomorrow, July 9th, would have been Charlotte's 6th birthday. Understandably, it's been a difficult few weeks as we have anticipated the arrival of this day. Roger is going to post some of his thoughts here tomorrow and I will be sharing more on my personal blog in the days to come. 

For now, I would like to say Thank You for the support that you continue to provide to Roger and myself. Many of you have asked how we plan to honor Charlotte's birthday and how you can help. To that end, I offer you Six Ways to Honor Charlotte.  (special thanks to Chaplain  Sallye at Noah's Children for the inspiration)

1. Read a book. Charlotte loved to read and look at books from an early age. While some children fall asleep with a bed full of stuffed animals, Charlotte would sleep in a bed full of books. 
2. Wear pink or purple. Or both. Capture your inner princess, even if it's only for a day. 
3. Drink a glass of chocolate milk. Charlotte liked to say "Chocolate makes everything better."  We agree. 
4. Watch one of Charlotte's favorite movies. The movies that never left the queue included Finding Nemo, Mary Poppins, The Little Mermaid, and Frosty The Snowman. I can't think of a better thing to do in the heat of summer than think cool thoughts with Frosty.
5. Make a meal for a family in need. When Charlotte was sick, we were blessed with many friends and neighbors who cared for us by supplying an extra meal (or two). It's a special gesture that means so much to a family in crisis.
6. Help us honor Charlotte's memory with a donation to CJSTUF. Every little bit helps. If each of our 2800 (or so) Facebook fans donated only $6 in honor of CJ's birthday, we would be able to provide 33 $500 financial assistance grants to families in need. 

 
Thank you, Charlotte, for blessing us with your time here on Earth. 
We miss you. Every day. 

Radiance from Julia Dollison on Vimeo.

Got Pets?

CJSTUF is excited to announce our Business of the Month for June: 

Dr. Bob Magnus, The Housecall Vet

Our pets are important members of our family. They need regular care to stay healthy. Sometimes, however, scheduling visits with the vet can be a challenge. Enter Dr. Bob Magnus: The Housecall Vet.

Dr. Magnus (or Dr. Woof as he likes to be called) makes caring for your pets simple and affordable. As a concierge vet, he will come to your home to administer exams and vaccinations for all your 4-legged family members. 

Tigger enjoying his big backyard.

We recently made an appointment with Dr. Woof for our two cats, Tigger and Noah. In the past, we would have to make two separate appointments for the cats at the vet's office due to the struggles involved getting them into their crates, working around other 4-legged patients, and dealing with their individual cat neuroses. This time, Dr. Woof came to us. He examined the cats in the comfort of our living room and administered their vaccines. Less than thirty minutes later, Tigger and Noah were enjoying their big backyard.  

You might imagine that a concierge service like this would be too expensive for most families but we found Dr. Woof's services to be very affordable. We may have even paid less for Dr. Woof's services than we did for our last vet visit. 

Noah, our diva cat. Now he's going to demand housecalls.

Book your vet appointment with Dr. Woof during the month of June and 25% of your bill will directly benefit CJSTUF.  As an added bonus, Dr. Woof is currently offering his services FREE of charge to families effected by chronic and life-threatening illnesses.  If you know of a family that needs help caring for their 4-legged friends while also supporting a child with health challenges, contact us so we can put them in touch with Dr. Woof.

Thanks to The Housecall Vet for their support of CJSTUF. If your business would like to be featured as a CJSTUF business of the month, contact us so we can get you on the calendar. 

Butterfly Social Recap

The Richmond area was a-flutter for CJSTUF from May 23-June 5th with the First Annual Butterfly Social. Five hostesses held parties at their homes for friends and family to raise funds and awareness for our organization. In total, the events raised over $2500. Thanks to the generosity of the hostesses and their guests, we can help an additional five families in the Richmond area battling their challenges with chronic and life threatening illness. Look for information next spring about our next Butterfly Social. We hope to make it an annual event!

The Alford family Butterfly Social gives a big thumbs up!

Butterfly glasses were a huge hit at the Swanson family Butterfly Social!

Emily Starrett, Kathy Suydam, and Meg Helsley hosted a mom's brunch with lots of pink and purple!

What Day Is It Again?

The concept of "celebrating holidays" has pretty much gone out the window, at least for the foreseeable future, but I felt the need to at least say SOMETHING today. The trouble is, I got nothin.' I wanted to say something deep and profound to try and ease the pain I know Rachel is feeling today (and feels every day) but it all either sounds trite or it's already been said.

Then I read something beautiful written by another grieving dad/husband.

And I stole it.

Because it's beautiful.

"Rituals......

We use rituals to allow us to keep contact with the past and provide us with familiar constructs. There are rituals that surround us on a daily basis, and then there are those that come to us once every year. Rituals allow us to maintain contact with those who have gone before us. On a daily basis, I maintain my own ritual. Right after we put Gabe to bed each night, I duck into Alexis' room right next door to Gabe's. I sit in there for a couple minutes. If you look around, it is still pink, still filled with all of Alexis' animals, and it also is filled with much of everything that existed between those four walls on January 14, 2011. There is no reason to change at this point and there is no interest to do so. I speak with Alexis. I talk to her. And then, I bend down and kiss the spot on her bed where she lay for several months and where she lay down to sleep each day. I kiss her pillow as well, and I inhale deeply. I then step from her bed, turn the light off, say a little more to her and shut the door. And then, just before I go to sleep myself, I repeat the entire scenario, except I spend a little more time in her room. This is a ritual that I maintain to ensure that I feel connected with Alexis. Certainly not the manner in which I want to maintain contact with my daughter, but, as everyone is supremely aware at this point, I have little other choice. Some wear bracelets, some have other trinkets that they ritually rely upon to connect themselves with their child. These small measures are repeated too many times by too many parents who have no physical presence in the form of their child.

And then there are holidays. Holidays are ritualistic in nature as well. Some more so than others. Tomorrow is Mother's Day. Of course everyone is aware of that. The rituals of this day include showering mothers with praise for all that they do. Reminding them how much we appreciate them for being mothers. And thus comes the problem. This ritual is and can be a painful one to those who will no doubt turn their thoughts to a child who no longer can give them a hug or kiss, who no longer exist on this plane to say thank you and I love you. And thus, the rituals that once were will be painful reminders of the fact that things have changed for the worse. So what do you do? I have no real answer frankly. I think for some it is a day that is better forgotten and let to pass. That may ultimately be difficult to comprehend in some fashion. Of course the loss doesn't change the fact of the love that was and is still there. And do we appreciate the efforts and dedication of the mother any less should they choose to allow the day to slip away? The answer is no, certainly not. It is a very personal decision ultimately, one that should never be questioned. I suppose I will let you know when the ritual of Father's Day rears its head down the road. I can say though with certainty that tomorrow will be spent as a very difficult day in many households. There will be many houses where a noticeable hole exists that prevents a day from being experienced with the happiness and thanks that should come to pass. I know that this is one of those houses. I for one am truly appreciative of the efforts that Neely has given as the mother of Alexis and Gabe. Herculean efforts in the face of extremely difficult times, with difficult decisions and ultimately an unimaginable loss. Yes, the ritual of tomorrow will be very difficult. To all mothers out there who will read this passage and simply know, I say have a palatable Mother's Day, one that brings you exactly what you want the day to bring you.

There were some signs of Alexis this past week. While playing on a playground with Gabe, we noticed acorns strewn across the ground. Acorns were always a favorite of Alexis. She collected them and in fact our house has them in various locations, including in glass jars on our dining room table from a project Alexis completed. And thus, we collected as many as we could stuff in our pockets so that we could bring them out to her. As we walked from the playground, we noticed three butterflies on the sidewalk. As we walked closer, all but one flew away. I bent down, and it still failed to fly away. It's wings yellow, its body black. And then, I gently stroked one of its wings. It did not move. And then Gabe, as curious as can be, gently bent over and gently stroked the butterfly as well. A simple moment, but a moment filled with other thoughts. It was a short moment, but one that provided some measure of comfort regardless of the reason for that single butterfly being present on that day.

Days move on, our ability to use our memories to recall various aspects of life as we used to know it seems to be more and more difficult. I suppose that is the nature of post tragedy recall in some respects. The time in some fashions moves quickly, and in others it seems to crawl. With every ticking second we move further away, yet closer to Alexis. Soon baby, soon.

Love,

Jon, Neely, Alexis and Gabe"

Not sure I could have said it better given a hundred years. He writes very well. Here is their Caringbridge site if you would like to read more.

Personally, I hope everyone who has a mother (or has had one at some time) takes a moment every day to appreciate them.

Oh, yeah, and go hug your babies like there's no tomorrow.

Rog

Go Team CJ!

The race is on (or at least imminent).

It's 4:15 AM Pacific Time and Roger is off to the races. As mentioned previously, Big Sur is a little different from most marathons in that there are no general "spectators" along the course so my usual job of navigating from post to post during the race has been made obsolete. 

That's ok. I'll post on the blog instead.

Roger and the rest of "Team CJ-West Coast Unit" are making their way to their respective starting lines as we speak. I will be joining them at the end.  

Yesterday, we played tourist yet again. We met James, our college buddy from UM, and his beautiful family at the Monterey Aquarium and saw all the exciting wildlife. The evening was spent with a pasta party hosted by our local race chair, Shelley Wilkinson. We got to talk with and meet all the people who are running on our behalf as well as Devon Dabbs,  the co-founder of the Children's Hospice and Palliative Care Coalition. CHPCC is our local  beneficiary of some of the fundraising completed by TEAM CJ here in California. Based on our early fundraising returns, we were able to present the organization with a check for $500. We hope send more as additional donations trickle in!

More updates coming soon.  Stay tuned.