Monday, January 4, 2010

Nothing New

Charlotte's breathing has shifted patterns several times in the last few days. All the medical professionals say that's a tell-tale sign that the end is very near. We're on day three of "the end is near."

She is breathing so shallow, I can't believe her organs can function on the tiny amount of oxygen she's getting. Her heart is compensating by beating furiously to get enough blood through her circulatory system. Nurse Patty said that Rachel and I must have Energizer Bunny in us and gave some to her.

There seems to be no struggle going on, she has a tiny little cough that comes out very rarely but it's really not much of anything. It's her heart that's keeping her here, both literaly and figuratively. As Heather's (Wyatt's Heather) dad quoted, "She's strong like bull!"

New definition of surreal: Walking into CJ's room to check on her breathing and being almost disappointed when I find out she still is. I mean, WTF is that?!

Probably just selfishness. Or me trying to impose my insignificant expectations on such a deep and mysterious event. As long as she's comfortable, I need to just sit back and be awed.

We'll keep reading her stories, singing her songs, holding her hands, and giving her Eskimo, zebra, butterfly, etc...kisses until she's ready.


  1. We always tell Joe he is "strong like bull" too. Another little something that will remind me of CJ from now on!

    She is soaking up every last drop of love she can before flying away. There's just so much of it!

  2. It's never selfish to wish for a new, glorious morning for someone we love. As I watched my sister die, I remember praying for the end. Sometimes I thought it would have been easier if I just held on for another minute, but once she was free, so was I. It was amazing relief.

    God bless you and your family.

  3. I think it's beautiful that God is allowing you a glimpse of an angel in the flesh here on earth. Continue to be strong and courageous and love her every moment that you can. The heart is an amazing organ - it never runs out room for the love that it can hold. I think CJ is making sure she takes enough with her - because that's the one thing you get to keep.

    Keeping you all in prayer.

  4. Ever since joining Facebook over a year ago, and reconnecting with childhood friends, that is what I check first thing every morning; until the past couple of weeks. Now, I check this site, multiple times daily, first, last, and in between. Waiting, nervously for what I know will come.

    I believe that we all arrive with a predetermined time to die, no matter what we do, it is our destiny. I believe that Charlotte was given to you because no one else could love her, get her through this; and through it, teach the world an amazing message about pure love. We watch in amazement at your strength, your love, your courage, and know that Charlotte was put into your arms because you, somehow, are able to show everyone how to handle an unbearable tragedy with grace and diginty.

    I will continue to hold your family up in my thoughts and prayers today and always, and know that one day, all be together again. I know that you have big things in your future, it is an honor to go on this journey with you, though I truly wish that no one had to make the trip at all. Prayers continue....Melissa

  5. What a mighty warrior princess you have there!!! I know that this must be so hard for you all!!!

    I am praying!!!!

    “So we’re not giving up. How could we! Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without his unfolding grace.” 2 Corinthians 4:16

    Love ya!!
    C.O.L.E.'s Foundation
    (Caring Openly, Loving Eternally)
    24/7 Prayer Line 888-365-COLE (2653)

    Sandy Daron

  6. When my grandmother was dying this past summer, my sister and I sat by her bed through the night because they knew the end was close, and no one wanted her to die alone. My mother and aunt needed a break, so Priscilla and I sat there. I remember thinking the same thing- asking God to please go ahead and take her. I kept telling her that it was ok to go, too. It was so hard. I just wanted it to be over.

  7. It's such a mysterious and intimate process. What an honor that you are able to be there with her. I don't think it's weird at all to wish her freedom from pain. Sweet baby.

  8. Keeping your family in prayer!

    C.O.L.E. Prayer Team

    karla helm

  9. We had a baby that was very ill in utero, and we were always amazed to see her heart beating so strong, my husband and I could not believe that we were thinking, Why and how is she still here? It was like we were watching someone else go through it. Peace and Blessings to you and your beautiful child!!!

  10. two years ago I sat with my boyfriend and his family for three days just waiting and watching his grandma pass. she wasn't in any pain and when she finally did let go, i remember the relief we all felt. it wasn't selfishness, it was a somber sort of joy knowing that she wasn't suffering anymore. we just kept kissing her and telling her it was okay to let go and she finally did. it was the hardest three days i have ever experienced. thoughts and prayers are with you.


  11. Watching, waiting. Epiphany would be a fine time. That would be fitting. She would see the light and fly right to it. You are witnessing a miracle that is out of our hands. Peace to you all. Jane and Bill

  12. You all are in my thoughts and prayers!

    God Bless,

    Mandy Ford
    Southeast Regional Representative~COLE's Foundation

  13. WTF is that? - Completely normal.

    That is exactly what most of us do when in your situation.

    I had the same thoughts, and these thoughts became stronger and more frequent as my family entered yet another "It's definitely going to be today" day on the last week of my dad's life. It wasn't just me... it was my whole family. In part for ourselves needing a break, in part for wishing for a break for each other, and of course... in part for a break for my dad.

    Strange that at the same time you can still have thoughts and feelings of enjoying still having your loved one around and being grateful for those extra moments with them.

  14. It is not selfish. It is recognizing that your little girl is gone and ready for her body to allow her soul to move on. It is wanting an end to the limbo for her and you.

    We are so sorry that this happened to you and your family. Thank you for welcoming us into your home to read to her. You are all in our thoughts and prayers.


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