Friday, January 22, 2010

A hole in my heart

A year ago at this time, they were wheeling my baby in for her FIRST brain surgery. We had no idea what would happen. I was a mess (to say the least).

And what a difference a year makes.

This has definitely been a crazy week. More good than bad, I think. Getting back to work has been rejuvenating, energizing, and positive in so many ways. I have enjoyed it but, man, am I tired! I have had a lot to do and, fortunately, the to-do list is slowly being whittled down.

I miss Charlotte. I see her everywhere. Not in the creepy ghost-like sense but in everything I do. I go shopping and see clothes and toys that I will never buy her. I pack my lunch and realize that I don't need to pack hers. I plan my day and realize that I don't need to pick someone up from preschool or make sure we have a babysitter when Roger and I both need to be at the store. I realize how much time and energy goes into being a parent and what an empty space has been left by her departure.

I think of that song: "There's a hole in my heart that can only be filled by you..."

At the same time, I am realizing what a drain Charlotte's illness has been on us in this past year. Charlotte herself was not a drain. She was a JOY but the CANCER and everything that it involved SUCKED our time, our energy, our sanity, our sure SUCKED. Now that she is gone, the pain is still there but we are going about the process of reclaiming that time and energy (and sanity?).

Last night, we had another CJSTUF board meeting. It was wonderful! Our current board is filled with very talented, intelligent, and motivated individuals. I know that there are many more of you looking to participate in our organization and activities. Do not despair: there will be a place for you! Keep your eyes and ears peeled for news in the coming weeks.

Two final notes before I trot off to a FULL day at Romp n' Roll: Meriwether Gilmore writes the news for the Town of Ashland that appears in both the Herald Progress and on her blog. She wrote a wonderful tribute this week to Charlotte describing her memorial service. Thank you, Meriwether, for a beautiful article! I was moved!

Finally, the only downside to a huge network is that you have many people who want to make sure you are supported. That doesn't sound right as I type this but what I'm trying to say is: I know that many of you have called, emailed, and offered support in multiple ways this week. If I haven't responded, please don't be offended. I am feeling the love but haven't gotten around to returning your correspondence! I have more offers to drink beer/margaritas/wine than my liver will allow and more offers for trips and getaways than my schedule will currently allow BUT I am appreciative of all of them and I hope to be able to follow up on many of these offers in due time.

Stay warm and dry and think sunny thoughts. It's gonna be a dismal day in Central Virginia.


  1. I can only imagine the emptiness you feel. But I think it's awesome that so many want to be there for you. I think getting back to work may help, just to establish a new but familiar routine. My heart goes out to you and Roger.

  2. Thinking of you! Just wanted to say hi!
    --Kristina and Mila Rhodes

  3. I am thinking of you both all the time and can't wait to plant my "butterfly seeds"! I am glad you are keeping busy because all these realizations come in waves and this helps you ride the waves. Our hearts are heavy for you but we know God will not forsake you in your worst times. God Bless! Cathy and Jay Corcoran

  4. I realize how much time and energy goes into being a parent and what an empty space has been left by her departure.


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