Thursday, September 24, 2009

My turn. Lots on my mind. (Rachel)

My turn. Lots on my mind. This could be a mini-novel. We'll see.First of all, a very sad note. Our good friend (and chiropractor), Anna, lost her mom to cancer yesterday. We are thinking heavy thoughts about her today and wishing the Madland family peace and comfort. You can pass a note to the family at Charlotte had another good day yesterday. She worked very hard at physical therapy where they introduced the Wii Fit! She tried some of the balance games where she had to rock from side to side in order to get marbles in a hole, hit soccer balls with her head, and catch fish (as a penguin) on an iceberg. She also did the ski jump which worked on her bending her knees, holding the position, and popping up (this was very challenging) and also worked on walking. I wonder if there is a Wii in our future? I'm not usually much for video games but I had to admit it was cool and really seemed to motivate her!Yesterday evening I ended up spontaneously meeting a friend for dinner. She had posted on Facebook that she was looking for someone to have dinner with her down at the Iron Horse. I realized I was available and I thought, what the heck? We had a great time talking about everything from parenting to jobs to relationships. I've been having a rather rough time lately and it's been kind of hard to nail down the root of my problem.I guess if I had to boil it down to one word it would be "motivation" but that doesn't really seem to capture it completely. I think I have finally reached the limits of myself. For those of you who know me well (and some of you have known me a L-O-N-G time...), you know that I have always been Type A, motivated, efficient, and hyper-organized (maybe even to a fault). I have always been the kind of person who could be super-productive, met deadlines, got stuff done, and was two or three steps ahead of the game. My house may not have been immaculate but it was usually organized. I could work full time with even a few part-time gigs on the side and still have time to invest my energy in church or other service organizations (usually in some kind of leadership capacity). Yes, that was my life before and while it did take effort of a certain sort, I enjoyed it and I THRIVED on that busy kind of energy. It felt natural to me and that's just how I lived my life. It wasn't effortless but it was relatively easy for me. Lately, not only do I not seem to have the "time" to do these things, but the motivation and the energy just isn't there. Piles of mail sit unopened. Emails go unanswered. Tasks on my to-do list wait until tomorrow (and the next day, and the next...). I get distracted VERY easily (damn you, Facebook!). Some days all I want to do is vegetate on the couch. Part of me tells myself (and others tell me) that this is "normal" given our life situation and everything that we have been dealing with for the past 8 months. Part of me tells myself that I'm being too hard on myself. I should give myself a break. These things (in the grand scheme of it all) are relatively unimportant. And yet, I can't make myself truly believe it. It makes me angry (at myself) and I get frustrated. I want my old life and my old "self" back. I'm tired of living in crisis mode. I get frustrated at the fact that I've gained 20 pounds in the last 8 months (yes, ladies and gentlemen...20 pounds!!!! UGH!!). My body is in constant anxiety mode and not only craves comfort food but doesn't want to lose the pounds, even when I DO eat healthfully. I get frustrated that I'm tired all the time and when I try to sleep my mind runs in circles. I get frustrated at having no real schedule. I can't seem to figure out what we will be doing two weeks from now, let alone 6 months or a year from now. Roger and I were trying to look at the calendar and find ONE day in October to "get away" and we couldn't do it. Not even ONE day when we don't have something going on for work or for Charlotte. CRAZY. Work does help and I love my job (I say quite often that I have the BEST job in the world...i'ts true) My life shuttles from work to Charlotte's therapy or doctor's appointments and then home. And when I get home all I want do is sit on the couch. I have all these things that I want to accomplish but they just don't happen. I couldn't even begin to think about where we would be if we didn't have the fabulous network of family and friends who have been taking care of us. We continue to get great meals delivered to our home on a regular basis (Thanks!). We continue to have family visiting us regularly to help with...anything we might need (Extra Thanks!). We continue to get sweet notes or gestures of motivation and comfort in the form of letters, cards, and small gifts (Oh, thank you!!!) and I can't even begin to imagine where we would be without all these things. I would say "I want my old life back" but I know that is never going to happen. From this point forward, life will always be about having a child with cancer. Even once she is a SURVIVOR, our lives are forever changed by this experience and we may never look at our lives or our priorities the same way again (I know I am already changed in that respect). So that's where I am right now. I guess my purpose in this post is to say if I seem distracted or forgetful or if you sent me an email weeks ago and I never responded or if you never got a thank you note for some awesome, wonderful thing you did for our family please understand that it is not meant as a personal slight. On that note, I must get on with my day and get ready to go to work. Busy day ahead...and a busy weekend as well.--Rachel

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