Sunday, July 19, 2009

A Journal Post from Rachel

So I realized that I hadn't done a journal post in quite a while, so here it is...

Life without hubby and daughter is surreal, kinda lonely and VERY quiet. I'm definitely busy with work so when I come home I pretty much just veg out in front of the TV or on Facebook or something brainless like that.

It's funny how much longer it takes the dishwasher or laundry basket to fill up and it's SO much easier to keep the house clean (especially when nobody is living in it). It helps that my parents and Kolbey did a major house cleaning while we were in TX so I came back to a sparkling pad (thanks).

I have really appreciated all of the kind words and support that have come to me through emails, facebook updates, folks stopping in at romp n' roll, etc. I've had invites out and meals cooked for me (thanks, Beth!) and I am really feeling nurtured and supported. That is great. I think I am also (finally) accepting the fact that it is OK for me to take some time to do NOTHING on occasion. That's not a natural way for me to live my life but constant stress will help you realize how important a break from work and daily activities can be. I'm learning how to "treat" myself and put myself first every once in a while. As any mom can tell you, that's not an easy thing to do.

Yes, I'm still sad. The news of the week was definitely not a morale booster. This cancer keeps hanging heavily over our heads and our hearts and it still makes my heart (and body) ache. I am convinced that we are in the right place and I think of all of the fortuitous events that got us here:

If Charlotte had been older, we would have started radiation immediately (rather than waiting and starting chemo first). If that were the case, we would most certainly have stayed at MCV and probably would never have explored the option of proton beam radiation. It probably wouldn't have even hopped up on our radar (yes, pun intended!). By going the chemo route first, we have been able to see how aggressive and mean this tumor is but it has enabled us to connect with the amazing doctors at MD Anderson. I am grateful to Dr. Khan for his knowledge, experience, and connections to such a fabulous facility. I don't think we would be in Texas right now if it weren't for him. Also, while it's hard to be away from each other right now, I think Roger and I have now developed a better rhythm in terms of how we are dealing and coping with this event on our lives and that makes the separation a little easier right now (as opposed to six months ago). Yes. Tomorrow will be SIX MONTHS since her diagnosis. We have reached the half year mark.

I just want to segue for a moment and brag about my husband. Yes, he is a GREAT DAD. You all know that and helped to get him the recognition he so deserves. He is also my partner, my teammate. We've been married for almost 12 years and we've been together for almost 15 years. That's a long time. We don't always agree and we frequently drive each other crazy but I could never imagine my life without him and we wouldn't be dealing with all of this as well as we are without that strong bond. I just wanted to take a moment to get "mushy" (as Roger would say) and acknowledge what a great person he is and what a great team we are.

Ok, collective: AWWWWWWWW....

I must switch gears, close up shop, and get ready to go to work. My next "day off" from romp n' roll will be in a week. When I will be in Texas. Crazy life we lead....


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